Life... extremely OOC. (Warning: Personal Info)

No mask emoticons today. Just Nik, with Creide reading over my shoulder. May be short, might get long. Hard to tell but I have so many random thoughts going on right now that I need to get them down with some semblance of order.

It seems like no matter what I do or say, somebody has a problem with it. In both RP and RL I am truly sick and bloody tired of it. In a way, I honestly don't care. Can't make everybody happy anyway. But when I've done my best to get along with everyone else, not cause probs, been as polite and understanding as I could. I have not commented or complained anywhere outside my blog unless it was something I felt strongly about. So at this point I honestly have to wonder-- what else I am supposed to do?

It is not in me to bow and scrape to make somebody else happy. Not when it is something petty. Just not going to happen. I do have a modicum of pride. When I choose to do or not do things, there is generally a reason for it. I have been pushed around and dictated to my entire life, told about my every fault in great detail. So honestly, being profane and putting me down is not exactly the best way to go about things. All it does is lower my opinion of you, and is rather hurtful when you're somebody I thought was a nice person. It's not what you say, it's how you say it. Just know that if I had not cared, I would not have replied to the message at all. Sometimes an apology in so many words is not called for. Misunderstandings and subtlety, two things we all should learn more about.

Go ahead, get mad at me. Call me names. Blame me for things beyond my control. Never mind any feelings or reasons I might have-- please, whatever it takes to make you feel better. Seems like a growing trend of late. Nik/Creide the punching bag. (No, I don't feign innocence in all matters. Hell, we all know what my vamp did, and I said from the beginning I would take anything it brought me, be it death or glory. If nothing else can be said for me, please let it be known that I strive to be honest.)

I feel like this though. 1- If you have a problem with me about anything at all, you should address me directly and in an adult fashion. Regardless of what my companion might say, I don't really bite. Hell, believe it or not, under normal circumstances I'm probably one of the nicest people you could ever meet. (But I'll get to that in a moment.) 2- If you have issues with my personal thoughts or feelings, you probably should not read my blog. I mean, that's sort of the point... it's primarily for me, myself and I. I am glad some of you seem to enjoy it, but I'm not in it to make anybody else happy, except Oneirus of course. But even he encourages me to say whatever I'm thinking. One of those things is the whole RP deal. Of course I am fully aware that it's not for everyone. But then, my simply commenting on it here is hardly the same as trying to force someone to do it...

The part about circumstances-- is where things get sticky. At this particular time, mine are not good. Of course we all have RL issues from time to time, work and school and the every day sort of things-- but these are... different. I don't talk about them much except to Oneirus because I am not out for pity. However, I do rather like for people to see where I'm coming from if I snap at them or what have you. So if you want to, read on. Just know that it's about to get personal and quite possibly fall into the region of TMI.

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First, the more minor or at least more easily explained issues. Have not slept much lately, as Oneirus could tell you. He's forever telling me to go to bed, but I've been so wired it's sort of pointless. Extreme stress does that to me, so I just can't sleep. Or have these dreams, but that's an entirely different issue way too deep for this blog. Let's see, have a severely depressed friend who sees me as her life support system though our relationship is not exactly the healthiest. An uncle who suddenly has such bad memory loss that he gets lost driving around the city he has worked in for years. These are not actually that bad in the normal run of things, sort of par for the course. But then there's my grandmother...

Grandma almost died this week, from dehydration of all things. When she became unresponsive and stopped eating hospice assumed it was just her time to go and decided she should not even be on an IV. Never mind bothering to find out the problem-- and she could not tell them how she was feeling or even that she was thirsty. Why? Same reason she has lived with our family since I was a small child. She is mentally disabled.

I know I probably came across as childish in the meeting when I complained about the word "retarded" being used in a derisive manner, and I regretted saying anything because I did not want to explain it. In fact, at the time I did not even tell Oneirus the whole story because even after all these years... I'm ashamed to say it can be embarrassing. Growing up dealing with that, hearing the ugly things people said... I try so hard not to just conform to society, but we're all taught from childhood that being outside the norm is shameful. Realizing that, knowing that I actually hid something I should not be ashamed of-- I think it's the main reason I am writing all this. Airing the dirty laundry, as they say. It's part of my life, regardless of what it is called.

Well, hope at least somebody out there understands me a bit better. Questions? Comments? Complaints? You know how to reach me...