Finding Words, Making a Decision

Over the past two weeks I have sat down to blog several times, trying desperately to put my thoughts into words. Drafts are piled high around me, failed attempts to record feelings and instances that change with the wind. Each thing I wish to say seems as elusive as a butterfly, floating just beyond reach, tantalizing, tormenting.

I think some part of me is tired of trying to fully express myself. Another part regrets expressing as much as I have. I wish for nothing more than to put my distant past behind me, move ahead with what is left of the here and now. For that reason I have made a decision. It may not seem like much, but to me it is a sign of the times, of my own decisiveness. Perhaps that it the true reason-- to prove that I can in fact make a decision.

I have decided to become a Sword Thane. It is true enough that I have flirted with the idea for some time. To my sire and queen I cited my desire to reach 10k BP as the sole reason for stalling. However... in my heart I was not truly prepared to make the change. I felt like I was being pressured into it-- and love of self, and of the BP I so highly prize, was ever in my mind. I pondered whether fighting at the command of others, even for the clan, was worth the high price of my own pride and vanity.

Now I have my answer. What good is such vanity when it achieves nothing? I have no right to be so prideful; I have done nothing truly extraordinary with my unlife. I have allowed my personal desires to overshadow the good of the clan and the special ones in my life. I have next to nothing left to be proud of, little to bring me joy. For this reason I must seek a higher purpose. I must throw myself into the cause fully and wholeheartedly, in the hopes that it will be enough.

I know now what it is to be truly powerless. To watch someone suffer needlessly but not be able to help them. To search endlessly for a solution but only make things worse. To hear others asking, seeking to offer help and comfort, wishing they truly could... but being unable to even speak the truth to them. It is not for me to speak any more than it is for me to act. It is not for me to bear out a peaceful existence when I have created turmoil. I despise this feeling, and despise the very knowledge that I am unable to take matters into my own hands and make everything right.

I told myself that fairy tale for far too long-- that all that was wrong would somehow become right. That sulking in the shadows and muttering angrily to myself would change my unlife for the better. That wishing on a star still held the magic I dreamed it did as a human child. I am done with such pointless things. I cannot undo the harm I have done, or take away what pain I have given... but I can seek a just end for myself. Maybe things could have been different, perhaps they still could-- but to even try would cause more problems, do more damage... and I have enough on my head. I cannot allow my words or actions to harm those closest to me.

I have already given my word and will wait until I have achieved my blood goal before making the formal change. Each day I draw nearer to attaining it and already I am stocking up on weapons and knocking down my long-standing shrine to Hermes, god of thieves. In its place I shall erect a new shrine. I will not bow to grey-eyed Athena. The goddess of just and wise war is not for me, rather I shall look to Ares-- god of war and bloodlust. Like Ares, I will care not for unlife or death, look not to the reason for war but to the battle itself. My joy shall be in the spilling of blood, the splashing of Holy Water. I will fight and fight doggedly for the black and red of Heorot and to protect those of my family line.

My role now is simply to become what my leaders would have me be, to at least act as a warrior unthinking and unfeeling, duty-bound to kill for the sake of the clan and looking forward only to the beautiful sunset that awaits us all at the end of our journey. I remember now that it is always there-- we have only to choose to watch it. In the end I can only hope that should I one day fall in battle, I will die with honor and be claimed by those who profess to love me.