I Need a Vacation

That really pretty much sums it all up. I have far too much on my mind right now to think clearly. I actually wonder if I have been thinking clearly at all recently. So many decisions and choices I have made seem wrong or somehow off... Then again, there is truly no black and white. Everything, absolutely everything that I can see falls into some gray area.

No, not everything. I have done some things I know were wrong. Well... on some level. Or from some view point. *lol* See? Gray. Those involved do a lovely job of shading the issues from both sides of the board. I was recently reminded that I should do "what's best for me." Makes perfect sense, seems reasonable. Problem is... just what is that? I thought I knew. I mean, I had it all laid out-- first I would do this, then this, then that. Now... I am not so sure.

It is not that I have changed my mind, only the way I wish for things to happen. Timing is as ever of the essence; it is vastly important to address problems fully prepared. At least in one thing though, I feel as if a large measure of control has been taken out of my hands, not that I ever held it to begin with. I feel rushed, and I fear I am not ready. I am... almost hyersensitive, tingling with awareness and tuned into every possibility. All the things that could go wrong flood my mind and fill me with uncertainty.

It is the same way with each of the choices before me. My unlife could take so many different directions, but I stand at the crossroads, waiting for some sign. There is far too much at stake to move too quickly, but just as much risk in waiting too long. Still... I need time. It may simply be a matter of my ever-present paranoia, but I am almost convinced that now is not the time for any of these things to happen. Soon yes, but not right now. At least not with full commitment. It seems more the time to wait and plan. Look forward with more hope and determination than negativity, even out the odds.

Another issue on my mind is that of loyalty. What does the word even mean? We all claim to be loyal to this cause or that one. To this vampire or leader or clan or even ourselves. In the end though, what is the word really worth? Is it enough to save someone you love from public scrutiny, to save their life? Enough to make you pick up and leave the unlife you now enjoy and change completely, no matter the risk? What happens when one loyalty runs smack into a second? Are you... less loyal because you choose one over the other? Or simply more loyal to the one?

So many place their trust in me. Some more so than others, yet to each I bear the burden of responsibility. Should the things they say or do conflict, I find myself left in the middle. How can I measure one against another? Do feelings decide, or the mind, or even the heart? I generally know what I must do. Yet simply knowing does not make things any easier. Giving priority to some while casting others aside is difficult at times. Made even more so by the way it must be done. Yet... I have already made my choice. That much I know.

I can only do what I feel is right. Move in the direction that promises the most justifiable end. Do all I can to both achieve my ends and protect those worth saving. There are so few of them, these vampires who would sacrifice for my sake, keep my trust bond. Friends, cherished ones, who can brighten my day with a wise word or warm smile. They are not the so-called stuffies and sheep, or even those that talk much while saying little of value. Each is special, each has some great worth to me, each has seen a side of me few others even know exist. So for them I must do what I can, put effort into protecting them and seeing them well. In the end those beloved and precious ones are all any of us truly have. The words I spoke in TVRP are the simple truth...

"If I have learned anything, my friend, it is that what I care for, those that matter most to me must be protected at all costs. Should the moment come when I must lay down my life or my sanity to see you-- any of you-- through this, then so be it."