A Reply...
I never said you were the only one changing. I just said I wasn't sure you could ADMIT to your change. Some of us like change more than others.
I know you didn't say that, was simply making an observation. To be honest, of course I like some changes. What I dislike is the disruption, the disorientation, or in some cases, the end result itself. On that note let me say this much-- while I understand your reasons for this and would not dare argue with them, is is something I truly dread on several levels. Not just dread... I cannot, or will not put it into truer words. No point to it anyway, I know.
With changes and belief, changes in life can make one question or change their belief. Sometimes it's unexpected. That's what I was saying.
I think... I understand your meaning all too well. Much has happened to my beliefs in the past year. I have learned much, yet know little. One thing I do know is that there is damn little worth caring about in this accursed city, and even less worth putting faith in.
I know you think highly of what I do. But you are only one, if a very high one at that. There are others in this world, and they've shown a...non-understanding of my skills. Thus my mission.
Yes, I am only one. Though... I can honestly say that I am not the only vampire in the city that thinks of well of you, as if that is not obvious. High? On my dreams perhaps... not that I really have any. Almost a year ago I walked through those doors-- terrified, yes-- but somehow believing that something bright lay over the horizon. Now I hardly know what to think, much less what to expect. Some things are given, the way this vamp or that will react to certain things or, more often, fail to react entirely. Some other things, no. You know better than anyone that there are perhaps only a handful of vamps that truly know me. I laugh and joke with the crowd, but those are not the moments or acts that count. The ones that really mean something are the few I have allowed into my own little circle. I am not out to impress anyone else. For a while I think I was, but then on some deeper level I simply stopped caring about those things. In the end I wonder what you will actually prove. What will you actually do, for that matter?
In some sense yes, it is to protect you. You've got a brighter future than I.
Hm, so you really do care... *lol* Yet what does my future really matter? There is only so much to be done with it, so much to be gained. I do not care for such things as much as I used to. Ironic I suppose, if what you tell me about myself is true. If I may misquote a verse from Roland's favorite book-- What profits a vampiress to gain the whole city and lose her joy?
I prefer my insanity, others don't, they prefer their world, which I consider insane. Remember, do the sick consider themselves sick or are the healthy the sick ones? Perspective...
If the healthy ones are truly the sick ones, then they could well be the sick ones that are well. Think about that. Right... Dearheart, I feel quite safe saying that only from your perspective are rubber chickens with bits of metal stuck on them, well, sane. Won't bother going into the penguin issue, yet another abandoned thing. Like SST... or your testosterone group. Those were not truly insanity by the way. Well, not SST at least. *sigh* I hate... seeing you stifled. I guess that is another reason I am not fighting change here.
Your actions, while striking, for you, are not quite to the level of mine. I left the talking stage a long time ago.
Well, there is not much I would know about that, now is there? Being protected, shielded, not fully trusted, or what have you. *sigh* I have yet to see anything you have actually done. There is only one reason you have not seen anything concrete and that is sheer fate. Of course there is little point in discussing it as you seem to think me all talk anyway, but when the moment comes, and I pray it is soon, you will know. What else is new though? I have never managed to achieve your level. Not in pulling things off, or sparking things, or being a creative whirlwind. Or sheer destructive force, rather. Or both. Somehow... I always feel as if you view that as a shortcoming in me. Or perhaps it is just me and my paranoia. *lol* No matter I suppose. In the end all comes to naught...
What have I accomplished, really? My powers, my position... I know that I have suceeded in some ways, and I can appreciate those things. There is just always something more, something unattainable I guess. In many ways I think you have accomplished far more than I have. I do know that I continually have you telling me to DO something rather then complain. Even when I am in the middle of trying. We both have the ability to move things, but in different ways. From things said recently, up until the latest, I rather imagined new things being some sort of combined effort...
Somehow your not knowing how to deal with it does not surprise me. *lol* Anyway, I'm not depressed so much as weary. A little sad perhaps, yes. I am tired of the same things you are, the stupidity, the blindness, the line that is continually crossed by certain individuals. I am sad that what I am seeing is perhaps the end of an era. Perhaps it was not a Golden Age, as you once put it, but in a way something even better.
Hm... I still believe positive change can happen. There cannot be one big stop to things, no-- but there can be little ones. It takes effort, sometimes far more than we are willing to put in, but almost anything can be done if the will is there. I try to remind myself of that at times like this, that there will always be something of value to strive for or work toward. Sometimes it takes a little vision and other times it takes a lot.
I am not calling it quits yet. I grow tired and I am bothered by what I see happening, but I refuse to back down from my intentions. If I do that, I might as well wave the white flag, join the collective, or bow my head and retreat defeated. I will not.
: 2:18 PM
