"Shades of Truth"

More changes. Why does everything around me insist upon changing? Am I changing too? Sometimes it is hard to tell. There are moments when I almost wish I could shut myself up inside a little box and keep the whirlwind of unlife out. Other times I feel... more alive than I ever did as a human. Almost as if I cannot take in enough of the world around me.

I feel... hm, I don't even know. The past few weeks, in particular the past few days, have been odd. A lot has been done, far more said... but in the end what does it all mean? What does the future hold? Is it the end of things, or simply a new beginning? I prefer to tell myself that for each thing that ends something else starts. Do I truly believe that...? Who can say really?

Actually... I am not sure what to believe anymore. I thought I knew. I really did but... either I am far more naive than I thought possible, or else I have become adept at lying to myself. *shrug* Having trouble deciding which. I mean could I have known... in the deepest, darkest corner of my mind? Or was it truly a surprise?

I think-- no, I know I was at least aware of the possibility. I know you well enough to think extremely highly of you, unlike the ones that fail to look beyond your... well, you know how you come across sometimes. I think that I know better than anyone just how capable you truly are. So I suppose I simply decided that... if I could not put myself in such a dangerous place, surely you would not be so insane either. I was wrong. Perhaps because of your very insanity, perhaps not.

I still fail to understand it all. Of course, that is clearly how you want it to be. Otherwise you would have told me everything or even part of it. No, not the way it was joked about. I am talking about coming to me in all seriousness. I would have listened, but surely I don't have to tell you that.

There is nothing I can do about it, nothing I can say. Not that I would. You can probably guess my feelings on the rest of the matter. *sigh* So it is not as if I truly have a problem with what you actually said. It just bothers me that you didn't tell me before now. It makes me wonder just how much trust we truly have. Yes, I know you keep your promises, but you keep your secrets, too.