Rambling...

Last night I had an unexpected visitor. Rather disconcerting really, but anyway... I was essentially told that my presence has been missed in the TG over the last few days. I harbor some doubts about that. How many would actually notice one way or another if I just vanished without a word, went on hiatus for a week or two? I hold no authority there and few listen to anything I say. Besides, anyone can run games, which has been my major contribution.

That said, I cannot help but wonder if perhaps those kind words were said in an attempt to make me feel better-- needed, or what have you. While I appreciate the gesture, it is quite unnecessary. I do not need or deserve any such special treatment, from my visitor or anyone else. Were I to leave the TG for a week or an eternity it would continue to move along without me. In much the same way, I shall continue to do what I must do until the moment I greet the sunrise, be it tomorrow or a thousand years from now.

In the past week I have written and discarded no fewer than three posts.The last I debated over for some time. It was written in a fit of pique, yet even now that I have had a few days to think rationally, it remains quite true. However, I do not doubt that it would cause any who read it a great deal of... anxiety and concern. Best to leave some thoughts unspoken, some feelings unexpressed. Suffice it to say that I... am lost. Or perhaps simply at a loss.

I find myself drifting aimlessly, not quite fulfilling any particular role. I lack a sense of purpose. I wish... for this war to commence. On the battlefield I feel more alive than simply undead, as if there is truly a meaning to it all. The... opiate distraction of attacking grants me momentary respite from all that plagues me. Hm, opiate. Interesting word, interesting idea. After all, those that are not truly alive... but I digress.

Amazing... in my exhaustion and distraction I have completely lost sight of my point. Was there ever really a point or purpose to all this? Who can tell? All I know right now is that without purpose there is no reason, without reason... diminished existence. What is an eternity without purpose?

For Ares eternity became war. It serves and is its own purpose, stands alone in needing no reason. After all, what truly matters beyond the point of the spear? All in life is as war-- and if it is not so, perhaps it should be...