In a Mood.

Today... is not a good day. I am in a mood, an absolute funk, for a number of reasons. Some are personal, others less so. In a sense some of the issues do not even involve me. I feel like it is not quite my place to say all of the things I want to say, even though it technically is. Or maybe it is more that I just do not want to get into it and waste my breath.

I always say I do not do well with change. Well... apparently the very mention of certain ones can throw me off kilter. Right now I should not be fretting over anything, but I am. Feeling sort of anxious. Uneasy may be a better word for it. In my heart of hearts I know things will be fine either way. Any questions or problems that arise can be dealt with. The one thing most important to me is assured. Yet... I cannot help having some minor worries. Uncertainty bothers me, wears at my very soul it seems. In the end though, it all comes down to trust... and in this case that I can do, completely and totally.

Which is an issue in itself. So much of what goes on in unlife has to do with trust. Trust too much and play the fool... or trust too little and fall prey to paranoia. Yes, I admit to being more than a little paranoid. Yet time and again I find my suspicions justified. It is said that the only vampire you can truly trust is yourself. Then again, my guardian told me that even trusting oneself is not always wise. Already I have lived long enough to see the wisdom of his words.

In the end... how do we choose which secrets to keep and which to reveal? Which tales to believe and which to discard? Who to confide in and to what extent? Relationships, associations, ties of various sorts only complicate these matters and make it that much more difficult to seperate thought and feeling. Does our evil nature really make us all so duplicitous that we should not trust those closest to us? Yes... or no. A near impossible question really.

So until I have some answers... I can only go with what I feel, set aside concerns and try once more to get into the proper frame of mind. Concentrate fully on the task before me. Which, needless to say, is much easier said than done. Especially now that all is ready for the completion of the first part, the half that takes fierce determination and will. Aside from seeing that the requisite humans survive in acceptable shape, there is no hurry to complete it or to use it immediately but I wish to have it over and done with as soon as possible. The spell will hold until it is broken, so there is no such thing as too soon.

As to the second part, the actual goal itself... I honestly do not know when it will happen but it carries an expiration date once cast. So timing does factor in there. Those taking part should be ready by now, but... are we? Another question, and one that requires a very definite answer.