Severance... and Hope
Saturday, August 20, 2005
It is done. I said that I would do it once the war ended and I was again free to roam the city. Please know that it was not an easy decision, made harder by the knowledge that this act of severance is an open acknowledgement of poor judgement on my part and failure on the part of my former childer. Yes... even now I admit that I was given advice against it... but I chose to hold to hope and made my choice.
Briefly, very briefly, it seemed that he would make me proud, but in the end... his apathy resulted in disappointment. Let it be known that I would never sever a childer over clan diffences, not even should we war against one another. Yet the fact that View left Heorot without even saying a word to me or acknowledging me in any way speaks volumes-- and made doing what I felt was right that much easier. Regardless, I wish him the best both in the city and beyond.
The future lies ahead with other changes yet unforeseen. It may be that another I watch will one day find a place within my small circle and become a part of the family, but I have learned to wait and watch, even as I did with the one who is now my beloved daughter.
Here and now Veronique is all that a sire could wish for... both devoted childer and friend. She is an asset both to the clan and to our line, filling me with pride and joy. Within Ver I see renewed hope for the future and a renewed hope for myself, that if on some far distant morning I should rise to greet the sun there will remain a legacy strong enough to carry on.
Dreaming, Remembering...
Sunday, August 07, 2005
I dreamed last night... of Audric. It seems like an eternity since we last spoke, though it has been only a couple of years. My unlife has taken such a drastic turn though, that at times I wonder if I am even truly the same person. What would he think of what I am doing? Would he approve? Does he somehow know?
The oddest memories come back to me now. I clearly recall our first meeting-- one of the most terrifying moments of my life. To simply be near him was to sense the inherent strength within. He was incredibly powerful and could easily have killed me, yet he did not. Lord Audric saw something within me that I fear I may have lost.
I will never be sure what made me agree to go with him, but I have never regretted that decision. It has caused me pain, yes, and on some level humiliation... but at the same time my lord and guardian gave me far more than I could ever have achieved otherwise, far more than I ever deserved.
Of course, it did not last and it is my own fault. I made the choice to go against his will. It hurts now to think of it, of betraying his trust not once, but twice. Yet I felt myself just. I had no choice really. He coddled me, spoiled me, forbid me to step beyond the boundaries of his protection-- and I could not live like that. He taught me how to defend and how to attack... in battle with humans I excelled and commanded the field.
However, my lord failed to prepare me for more challenging opponents. Vampires. His wife and daughter had been killed by them and as a result his despised his own kind. Our kind. To him I was the daughter he should have been able to save, sheltered and kept close. Lord Audric sought to protect me, and it proved my downfall.
I was captured by his greatest foe, and that was simply the first domino to fall, setting off a chain of events that led to my expulsion and arrival in the city. Even as I write, long-healed wounds seem to reopen; the pain is as fresh today as it was those many years ago.
One day-- one day I will tell the story in full. For now... my sorrow overwhelms me and is too great.
Current Standings: State of the Kingdom
Saturday, August 06, 2005
Last night in a way spelled defeat for our queen. The Un-Named has left the KoH, pretty much at the worst possible time. What should have been a good meeting full of announcements turned instead into an ongoing debate over the fate of things.
My voice was heard, but I think not truly listened to. Hardly surprising. I am no politician, though in my own way I am perhaps a diplomat. Words are the tools of my trade, my preferred mode of expression... and far too often I see them misused and abused, destroying where they could create. Left to me, far less would be said in public... but I digress. My main feeling was that the KoH should be the least of our concerns. The clan itself is most important thing. Happily, we were all able to agree on that last part. Now... well, it is a wait and see thing.
The evening itself was a stressful one. After this bombshell was dropped, AQel and Ver surprised us with a party to celebrate our companionship. Very sweet and thoughtful (aside from our darling childer pouring champagne on us) but neither of us really had the chance to enjoy it. CBK was off doing negotiations soI was pretty much on my own. *sniff* Then talk went back to the disappointments of the evening... Really a miserable time over all.
When all was said and done I spent a short time with my companion and... well, we discussed a few things. As a result, I am simply going to bide my time for now, throw myself fully into the work set before me. Seeing to the trainees, the future of our clan, is the most important thing I can do for my clan right now and I intend to complete the task to the best of my abilities. That really is all I can do...
Oh yes, I am now down to 3747 BP. *sigh* Have been there for a day or two now, at least.
Changes, Striding toward Future Goals
Monday, August 01, 2005
Much has happened in the past few days. My head is practically spinning from all the changes and decisions that keep popping up.
First, the usual things. The war continues. I awoke to find myself soaked and feeling rather faint. A small, yet coordinated attack has left me with 4381BP to my name. Somehow I felt it coming. Indeed, while my human was away this weekend, I spent time in the care of CBK, just in case. In the beginning of course I was aware that death could well await me... but somehow it seems more real when I think of how many BP's I have lost.
As I near the 4000BP mark, I realize that 2000 is not so far away. With that comes the possibility of being forced to necro. Which in turn makes me wonder... would I? If it came down to a choice between living and dying, which route would I take? On the one hand is the opportunity to rejoin the fight immediately and frustrate the enemy. On the other... honorable death, reserving clan funds for weapons and for others to necro.
I grow weary. The fight outside rages on, but something of the fight within me has ebbed away... My mind turns to other things, the changes that are happening within my unlife.
A couple of nights ago, CBK and I became companions. The following evening we sat through a failed war party. Failed, yet incredibly productive. In the end I found myself in the company of AQel, Tsini and CBK... and the conversation we that followed was one fueled by anger and frustration. However, the final result is the promise of long-needed changes.
It is too soon to tell the full impact, but changes are coming to the Kingdom of Heorot. They may not be easy, or gain the approval of all within our boundaries, but they could well be essential to the future of both kingdom and clans.
Closer to home, the queen has seen fit to grant both my fondest wish and a secondary request. I am now Chatelaine of the Asylum. AQel originally named me Warden, but at my request that title has been retired to honor Oneirus. Nobody else could really be Warden or come close to earning that title, I think. So I have taken the title of Chatelaine, referring to a woman given trust and control of a keep. CBK is once again given the job of Assistant, though he does not seem exactly thrilled about it. *snicker*
In addition to our duties there, we are now running the Heorot Entryway, greeting applicants and performing preliminary interviews with those interested in joining the Kingdom. It is my hope that we will be able to recruit to the Asylum both through the HE and by other means.
