The Beginning of Things
I just returned from my first war party. Not the first I have attended, of course-- but the first I have truly taken part in. Over the past few months I have of course thrown more than one HW... but this is something different.
A total of 10 HW's in the past 24 hours and I loved every moment of it. Well... aside from not being able to scroll a target due to my short supply of SoTs. Was irked about that, to put it nicely... It will be ok though; used the last of my AP after the attacks to buy 100 of them. *mwahahahaaa!*
My only real goal in unlife at the moment is to take as much blood as possible and deal a killing blow. I must admit that I was rather jealous of those who expeienced that joy... but my time will come. I can almost taste it...
Now I must away-- to make an offering to Ares in appreciation of his bounty. Oh, to add to my amusement I had a... friend of a friend comment that they truly hoped I was enjoying myself in my attacks. Indeed I am, indeed I am. I hope the future holds enough such fun to keep me busy and focused on this for some time to come.
Finding Words, Making a Decision
Over the past two weeks I have sat down to blog several times, trying desperately to put my thoughts into words. Drafts are piled high around me, failed attempts to record feelings and instances that change with the wind. Each thing I wish to say seems as elusive as a butterfly, floating just beyond reach, tantalizing, tormenting.
I think some part of me is tired of trying to fully express myself. Another part regrets expressing as much as I have. I wish for nothing more than to put my distant past behind me, move ahead with what is left of the here and now. For that reason I have made a decision. It may not seem like much, but to me it is a sign of the times, of my own decisiveness. Perhaps that it the true reason-- to prove that I can in fact make a decision.
I have decided to become a Sword Thane. It is true enough that I have flirted with the idea for some time. To my sire and queen I cited my desire to reach 10k BP as the sole reason for stalling. However... in my heart I was not truly prepared to make the change. I felt like I was being pressured into it-- and love of self, and of the BP I so highly prize, was ever in my mind. I pondered whether fighting at the command of others, even for the clan, was worth the high price of my own pride and vanity.
Now I have my answer. What good is such vanity when it achieves nothing? I have no right to be so prideful; I have done nothing truly extraordinary with my unlife. I have allowed my personal desires to overshadow the good of the clan and the special ones in my life. I have next to nothing left to be proud of, little to bring me joy. For this reason I must seek a higher purpose. I must throw myself into the cause fully and wholeheartedly, in the hopes that it will be enough.
I know now what it is to be truly powerless. To watch someone suffer needlessly but not be able to help them. To search endlessly for a solution but only make things worse. To hear others asking, seeking to offer help and comfort, wishing they truly could... but being unable to even speak the truth to them. It is not for me to speak any more than it is for me to act. It is not for me to bear out a peaceful existence when I have created turmoil. I despise this feeling, and despise the very knowledge that I am unable to take matters into my own hands and make everything right.
I told myself that fairy tale for far too long-- that all that was wrong would somehow become right. That sulking in the shadows and muttering angrily to myself would change my unlife for the better. That wishing on a star still held the magic I dreamed it did as a human child. I am done with such pointless things. I cannot undo the harm I have done, or take away what pain I have given... but I can seek a just end for myself. Maybe things could have been different, perhaps they still could-- but to even try would cause more problems, do more damage... and I have enough on my head. I cannot allow my words or actions to harm those closest to me.
I have already given my word and will wait until I have achieved my blood goal before making the formal change. Each day I draw nearer to attaining it and already I am stocking up on weapons and knocking down my long-standing shrine to Hermes, god of thieves. In its place I shall erect a new shrine. I will not bow to grey-eyed Athena. The goddess of just and wise war is not for me, rather I shall look to Ares-- god of war and bloodlust. Like Ares, I will care not for unlife or death, look not to the reason for war but to the battle itself. My joy shall be in the spilling of blood, the splashing of Holy Water. I will fight and fight doggedly for the black and red of Heorot and to protect those of my family line.
My role now is simply to become what my leaders would have me be, to at least act as a warrior unthinking and unfeeling, duty-bound to kill for the sake of the clan and looking forward only to the beautiful sunset that awaits us all at the end of our journey. I remember now that it is always there-- we have only to choose to watch it. In the end I can only hope that should I one day fall in battle, I will die with honor and be claimed by those who profess to love me.
I Need a Vacation
That really pretty much sums it all up. I have far too much on my mind right now to think clearly. I actually wonder if I have been thinking clearly at all recently. So many decisions and choices I have made seem wrong or somehow off... Then again, there is truly no black and white. Everything, absolutely everything that I can see falls into some gray area.
No, not everything. I have done some things I know were wrong. Well... on some level. Or from some view point. *lol* See? Gray. Those involved do a lovely job of shading the issues from both sides of the board. I was recently reminded that I should do "what's best for me." Makes perfect sense, seems reasonable. Problem is... just what is that? I thought I knew. I mean, I had it all laid out-- first I would do this, then this, then that. Now... I am not so sure.
It is not that I have changed my mind, only the way I wish for things to happen. Timing is as ever of the essence; it is vastly important to address problems fully prepared. At least in one thing though, I feel as if a large measure of control has been taken out of my hands, not that I ever held it to begin with. I feel rushed, and I fear I am not ready. I am... almost hyersensitive, tingling with awareness and tuned into every possibility. All the things that could go wrong flood my mind and fill me with uncertainty.
It is the same way with each of the choices before me. My unlife could take so many different directions, but I stand at the crossroads, waiting for some sign. There is far too much at stake to move too quickly, but just as much risk in waiting too long. Still... I need time. It may simply be a matter of my ever-present paranoia, but I am almost convinced that now is not the time for any of these things to happen. Soon yes, but not right now. At least not with full commitment. It seems more the time to wait and plan. Look forward with more hope and determination than negativity, even out the odds.
Another issue on my mind is that of loyalty. What does the word even mean? We all claim to be loyal to this cause or that one. To this vampire or leader or clan or even ourselves. In the end though, what is the word really worth? Is it enough to save someone you love from public scrutiny, to save their life? Enough to make you pick up and leave the unlife you now enjoy and change completely, no matter the risk? What happens when one loyalty runs smack into a second? Are you... less loyal because you choose one over the other? Or simply more loyal to the one?
So many place their trust in me. Some more so than others, yet to each I bear the burden of responsibility. Should the things they say or do conflict, I find myself left in the middle. How can I measure one against another? Do feelings decide, or the mind, or even the heart? I generally know what I must do. Yet simply knowing does not make things any easier. Giving priority to some while casting others aside is difficult at times. Made even more so by the way it must be done. Yet... I have already made my choice. That much I know.
I can only do what I feel is right. Move in the direction that promises the most justifiable end. Do all I can to both achieve my ends and protect those worth saving. There are so few of them, these vampires who would sacrifice for my sake, keep my trust bond. Friends, cherished ones, who can brighten my day with a wise word or warm smile. They are not the so-called stuffies and sheep, or even those that talk much while saying little of value. Each is special, each has some great worth to me, each has seen a side of me few others even know exist. So for them I must do what I can, put effort into protecting them and seeing them well. In the end those beloved and precious ones are all any of us truly have. The words I spoke in TVRP are the simple truth...
"If I have learned anything, my friend, it is that what I care for, those that matter most to me must be protected at all costs. Should the moment come when I must lay down my life or my sanity to see you-- any of you-- through this, then so be it."
A Reply...
I never said you were the only one changing. I just said I wasn't sure you could ADMIT to your change. Some of us like change more than others.
I know you didn't say that, was simply making an observation. To be honest, of course I like some changes. What I dislike is the disruption, the disorientation, or in some cases, the end result itself. On that note let me say this much-- while I understand your reasons for this and would not dare argue with them, is is something I truly dread on several levels. Not just dread... I cannot, or will not put it into truer words. No point to it anyway, I know.
With changes and belief, changes in life can make one question or change their belief. Sometimes it's unexpected. That's what I was saying.
I think... I understand your meaning all too well. Much has happened to my beliefs in the past year. I have learned much, yet know little. One thing I do know is that there is damn little worth caring about in this accursed city, and even less worth putting faith in.
I know you think highly of what I do. But you are only one, if a very high one at that. There are others in this world, and they've shown a...non-understanding of my skills. Thus my mission.
Yes, I am only one. Though... I can honestly say that I am not the only vampire in the city that thinks of well of you, as if that is not obvious. High? On my dreams perhaps... not that I really have any. Almost a year ago I walked through those doors-- terrified, yes-- but somehow believing that something bright lay over the horizon. Now I hardly know what to think, much less what to expect. Some things are given, the way this vamp or that will react to certain things or, more often, fail to react entirely. Some other things, no. You know better than anyone that there are perhaps only a handful of vamps that truly know me. I laugh and joke with the crowd, but those are not the moments or acts that count. The ones that really mean something are the few I have allowed into my own little circle. I am not out to impress anyone else. For a while I think I was, but then on some deeper level I simply stopped caring about those things. In the end I wonder what you will actually prove. What will you actually do, for that matter?
In some sense yes, it is to protect you. You've got a brighter future than I.
Hm, so you really do care... *lol* Yet what does my future really matter? There is only so much to be done with it, so much to be gained. I do not care for such things as much as I used to. Ironic I suppose, if what you tell me about myself is true. If I may misquote a verse from Roland's favorite book-- What profits a vampiress to gain the whole city and lose her joy?
I prefer my insanity, others don't, they prefer their world, which I consider insane. Remember, do the sick consider themselves sick or are the healthy the sick ones? Perspective...
If the healthy ones are truly the sick ones, then they could well be the sick ones that are well. Think about that. Right... Dearheart, I feel quite safe saying that only from your perspective are rubber chickens with bits of metal stuck on them, well, sane. Won't bother going into the penguin issue, yet another abandoned thing. Like SST... or your testosterone group. Those were not truly insanity by the way. Well, not SST at least. *sigh* I hate... seeing you stifled. I guess that is another reason I am not fighting change here.
Your actions, while striking, for you, are not quite to the level of mine. I left the talking stage a long time ago.
Well, there is not much I would know about that, now is there? Being protected, shielded, not fully trusted, or what have you. *sigh* I have yet to see anything you have actually done. There is only one reason you have not seen anything concrete and that is sheer fate. Of course there is little point in discussing it as you seem to think me all talk anyway, but when the moment comes, and I pray it is soon, you will know. What else is new though? I have never managed to achieve your level. Not in pulling things off, or sparking things, or being a creative whirlwind. Or sheer destructive force, rather. Or both. Somehow... I always feel as if you view that as a shortcoming in me. Or perhaps it is just me and my paranoia. *lol* No matter I suppose. In the end all comes to naught...
"Shades of Truth"
More changes. Why does everything around me insist upon changing? Am I changing too? Sometimes it is hard to tell. There are moments when I almost wish I could shut myself up inside a little box and keep the whirlwind of unlife out. Other times I feel... more alive than I ever did as a human. Almost as if I cannot take in enough of the world around me.
I feel... hm, I don't even know. The past few weeks, in particular the past few days, have been odd. A lot has been done, far more said... but in the end what does it all mean? What does the future hold? Is it the end of things, or simply a new beginning? I prefer to tell myself that for each thing that ends something else starts. Do I truly believe that...? Who can say really?
Actually... I am not sure what to believe anymore. I thought I knew. I really did but... either I am far more naive than I thought possible, or else I have become adept at lying to myself. *shrug* Having trouble deciding which. I mean could I have known... in the deepest, darkest corner of my mind? Or was it truly a surprise?
I think-- no, I know I was at least aware of the possibility. I know you well enough to think extremely highly of you, unlike the ones that fail to look beyond your... well, you know how you come across sometimes. I think that I know better than anyone just how capable you truly are. So I suppose I simply decided that... if I could not put myself in such a dangerous place, surely you would not be so insane either. I was wrong. Perhaps because of your very insanity, perhaps not.
I still fail to understand it all. Of course, that is clearly how you want it to be. Otherwise you would have told me everything or even part of it. No, not the way it was joked about. I am talking about coming to me in all seriousness. I would have listened, but surely I don't have to tell you that.
There is nothing I can do about it, nothing I can say. Not that I would. You can probably guess my feelings on the rest of the matter. *sigh* So it is not as if I truly have a problem with what you actually said. It just bothers me that you didn't tell me before now. It makes me wonder just how much trust we truly have. Yes, I know you keep your promises, but you keep your secrets, too.
