Keeping Vigil
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
Yes for the record, this was actually written on this date, but posted later. Just kept forgetting and never felt it was "finished" but decided I don't care anyway-- blame the human!
"You deposit 1129 coins."
Why can't all my banking trips be like that? Not that it was all done in one go, mind you. I just lucked up and found myself in a quiet corner where nobody banks-- but nobody had sense enough to rob me while I sat all night waiting for AP. Some has been in my pockets for more than a day, some was picked up on my way to the bank this morning. Yes, I confess-- laugh if you will, Oneirus-- I am still a sucker for humans. No matter how well I plan things, unless I'm on a serious mission, the mere sight of them drives me to stray. The flesh is weak and the fangs are willing!
Of course, this does have it's up side. During the course of my Locate 1 quest, rather than losing 40BP I actually gained more than 200. I sort of have this "vamps are for robbing, people are for biting" thing going and so far it seems to work.
The battle for the Asylum is won, though the fighting continues in some quarters. It was my duty to fight and I fought hard... but now it is for the trainees to set their home to rights. And it is my duty to stand by Oneirus. Here, behind locked doors, he fights for his very life.
As I sit once more beside my wounded companion, I find I have nothing but time on my hands. Time to remember, time to think, time to turn my gaze inward. It is hard to find words to express my true feelings sometimes. However, I think... that my most recent contributions to this adventure have done it. I really do think a great deal of Oneirus, and I think it shows.
After reading my his thoughts on possibly leaving, I found myself wondering about why I have stayed so long. Things are not always as I would wish them, or anywhere close at times. I have made friends, made enemies, felt the sting of HW and most importantly, found my niche. I was made welcome here when they could have turned their backs on me, something I will always remember. That is why I remain-- this is my place, for as long as it fits me. I may not approve of all that happens within the clan and will always have my questions and concerns, but it is the best fit I have found in this crazy, volatile city and the one place I have actually felt wanted and cared for. Sort of a strange thing when you consider our nature.
We are vampires. But what does that mean? What is our nature? In these peaceable gatherings and warm bonds do we deny the very essence of ourselves, grasping for some missing thread of humanity?
Fighting & Fears...
Thursday, September 16, 2004
Much has happened in a short time. Things are beginning to pick up in several areas. The Kingdom Ball is apparently planned for next week, though we have yet to hear just when or if high fashion is indeed required. In the Main keep, O. and I have found entertainment and I am waiting with amusement for the trainee auction. On the down side, as always somebody has to say something stupid. Personally, I say he should not be allowed to bid at all. No telling what sort of things he might do to one of the poor innocents. As for me, I absolutely must join in the bidding! *lol* Finally, in the tavern of VADA four vamps with a mind for mischief have gathered...
However, battle takes precedence over all other matters. At this moment, the Asylum is at a heightened state of preparation. I have already received orders to have my troop of Bobs in place and prepared to fire on the attacking mob. In these last calm moments before we are called to fight, I can only hope the planning and leadership of my companion coupled with my own defense strategy may bring us all through this.
At the moment I find myself facing a task harder than that of fletching arrows, or even fighting an enemy. As difficult as it may be, I am forced to view Oneirus not as my companion, but simply as our leader. If I allow myself to see him as more... Were it left to me he would be resting somewhere, healing. Oneirus has already endured so much-- the few wounds he allowed me to care for were terrible enough-- but I fear there are far worse ones. All signs point to internal injuries. I have seen him growing ever more weary, unsteady on his feet, weakened by loss of blood to the point of collapse, but he refuses to allow me to see more. And in the end I know it is for the best.
We cannot allow our own unlives or problems to get in the way of duty. In joining this clan we swore to die for it if need be. The Asylum is an extension of that vow, our first and most treasured home, and now we must defend it... even to the end, should it come.
No-- it will not. I cannot. We have worked far too hard, put too much into this defense to have it fail now. I must look beyond this moment to the next battle, to the day when we will face down the last of these vermin and put them in their place. My companion-- no, our general-- fears that this will indeed be our last stand. I do not. There is a way out of this and the keep will stand.
At this stage I have very little concern for the trainees themselves. Those who are willing and battle-ready must each fight their own battle. I am placing LJ where it is safe, and any trainee who chooses cowardice over valor has an escape, though that is far more than they deserve. I have no fear for myself; I am as well-equipt for the battle as I know how to be. My main fear-- my only true fear-- is for Oneirus. When last we spoke his words chilled me. Yet... the fact that I could only acknowledge them and agree to the very last thing I would ever want to do...
Pawns in the Game
Tuesday, September 07, 2004
It disgusts me. It truly does.
We are the vampiric nobility, sired rulers of the city, a breed apart. Yet here we find ourselves running, ducking into shadows and hiding from the very creatures we trample underfoot. The very humans that sustain our unlife now seek to destroy us. The very thought of our small group slinking into the darkest heart of the human infestation only to be attacked and trapped like birds in a snare turns my stomach. They should not be so armed, able to move faster than we can. It is as if the deer have suddenly turned the rifles on the hunters.
It would not be so bad if they were simply out to kill us and finish us off at once. Of course, we would still stamp them out-- but this is something more. These hunters are a breed apart and clearly wish to taunt us, torment us, make us suffer... How dare they? I will not find an end to my immortality at the hands of mere cattle! Nor will they be allowed to play us like pieces on a chessboard without reaping just punishment for their insolence.
Yet I fear that for all our anger this will be a long battle. We have need of patience and strength in the face of this danger. The young ones are faring well thus far. Most have proven steadfast, following unquestioningly and standing ready to fight. It may not be enough though. They are still slow to listen at times, and if we are seperated... well, that will be the true test of their abilities. It is not for me to play nursemaid or run to their aid. To their advantage, they appear to have realized that these mechanized humans are no toy demons spilling from my Closet. No, these are monsters among men, their thirst for blood as strong as my own...
What Oneirus says is true. I am succumbing to bloodlust
and I know it. Have not been trying too hard to fight it either. But can you truly blame me? Since awaking from the passionate rush of my first kill I have not given myself to violence. Humans are always within reach and I have been humane in my feeding, sparing them any undue suffering. Even while playing the game I only took down two, and did not waste a single drop of blood. Facing this rebellion makes me regret my leniency and I long to watch their blood flow like rivers. I have not felt so driven in a long time, perhaps too long. For now though, I must control my desire, thinking things through carefully and putting what little wisdom I have to good use. To do anything else would be to jeopardize what safety we now have-- and I do not think we can afford to take that kind of risk.
In a Better Mood...
Thursday, September 02, 2004
The last couple of days were... odd. But water under the bridge. Feeling more like my old self today. Actually, feel better than my old self. Insanely ecstatic. *lol* O.-- I know it's been weird. Thanks for being so understanding and all that good stuff.
Have all of 10 steps to the next bar on my quest. So with over a day still left on the clock, I'm going to rest on my laurels and build AP. Don't really think it matters much. I have been making it each time with more than a day to spare. But I'm going to try to just sit for a bit. Of course, I'll probably get bored sitting around with my hands in my pockets. That's what happened last time. Sort of looked around and was like... ok. Bored... thirsty-- forget it! I need a drinky-drink! *lol* Maybe it's all the road dust that drives me into the bar as soon as I get there. Or maybe... nah, I can't be on the path to lushdom. Not me. And for the record, I really don't think my companion is a drunk either. :P
Reply to a Comment...
Wednesday, September 01, 2004
Oneirus, sometimes I completely and totally fail to understand you. Apparently something or maybe everything I wrote struck you the wrong way.
"If you and the others would like to progress forward, I will not object. I wish you the best of luck in your efforts."
Is that you saying... that you're done? Or am I as usual lost and confused? In case you're wondering, my comment about you killing me over the RP was a joke. As you surely are aware, you've been doing an awesome job with the storyline. Frankly, don't think anybody else could match it.
I'm generally open to discussion, as you of all people surely know. I'm not saying last night was volatile. Now the last big thing with the Order (look, it's capitalized... this once) was, at least for me. Last night just got weird for a bit, but ended on a funny note, or so I thought. Tonight... this rather unexpected comment on my blog.
You're the one forever telling me not to be so nice. That's really all I meant. Just a less nice version of myself, like I said the other day. Trying to lose the "mother hen" thing. Other than that, I'm myself. Yeah, there are days when I'm not totally sure who that is, but I'm developing, or trying to. What can I say-- I'm not you. I don't have this wonderful persona all worked out and complete with accessories. I try new things, some work, some don't. Then again, would you want me to be a carbon copy of anyone else? No, I'm not much like you. I'm sensitive for one thing. Yeah, the shame of it all, a sensitive vamp. But it's part of who I am. Maybe that's why I try to smooth your edges a tiny bit-- because I can empathize with the vamps on the receiving end of your words.
Even when I don't speak in public I talk to you privately, so where is all the "us" stuff coming from? All the conversations we've had where we talked about the issues, complained about various things, actually agreed on things-- what were those then? If I did speak on the MB would you even notice? *lol* Last I heard you were boycotting it. I post on my blog, which I've made public, talking about my thoughts and feelings-- and this is what I get. Is it any wonder I don't say more? My plotting is primarily RP related. Not much else within my range at the moment. In the future, who knows?
I did not post intend for my post to come across as me trying to be anything other than what I am. Because I'm not. I'm me, like or not, take it or leave it. I can't be like you, handle things like you... On one hand you tell me my personality balances yours-- that I'm the calm half of things. But then... it seems to bother you sometimes. I don't know how else to explain myself or what motivates me. My story is still being written, and it may never be finished. Consider me a work in progress.
As for hiding things... What do I have to hide? What have I hidden from you? Hell, I had one big secret once upon a time and let it go. Since then... what else is there?
Yeah, time can fade memories. However, some things do not die. If your barrel disappeared tomorrow, would you forget it in a week? a month? ever?
Dark Mood, Dark Thoughts
An update on things before I go into my spiel for the day... Still in the agonizing throes of Celerity 2 and Cel = hell. I spent the night smack in the middle of at least twelve humans. Doing my longest stretch yet, 122 moves. So much for the "each bar is closer" theory. Getting there slowly, determined to finish as quickly as possible. We have a new trainee who I hope will join in the hunt, but if not's that cool. We're having a great time... though we keep losing somebody. Doesn't really fit with the seriousness of the storyline, but things will work themselves out, no matter how Oneirus may fret. ;) What else? Yesterday's blog. Hm, rather speaks for itself I say. The winds of change and all that... Ah yes, I've been a bit more sociable lately. Held actual conversations with a couple of my clansmen recently. Even posted to the new board today. Oh, also took time to track down my sire...
Not in the best of moods today. Preparation for battle against humans is not the same as actual battle. I grow weary of waiting, though I know it is the best course. We will move soon, but for now... I hunger for their blood, the satisfaction gleaned from their well-deserved deaths. I hunger for the scent of their fear, the surge of bliss as my fangs pierce mortal flesh. I hunger for the rush, the sensation that drives me to the brink of insanity, until I can hardly stand to even exist, the sheer joy overwhelms me so.
Damn this wait.
At this point I wish I could just rebel against the system and do something insane, but O. would probably kill me. Heaven forbid I interrupt the flow of the precious RP. *sigh* Not to mention that it would be horribly out of line for... me. Creide-- ever polite, ever thoughtful. Creide-- who abides by the rules and plays fairer than some. Creide-- who is kinder, gentler than most.
Is that truly who I am, one who is eternally patient and warm, or is it but a mask, hiding my inner demons? Who am I at all? Do my brothers and sisters know? Does my own companion even know? I make no attempts to hide myself. The pages of this journal are filled with my thoughts, my presence, my very essence. Yet I fear even the one closest to me does not truly understand me. I believe he finds me... simple, in a way. Simply nice. Even... maternal in my care of the trainees. Ah, I must confess this last part to be true enough. I do not think I have ever bared fangs at a single one, but that will change as there is more to me. Perhaps I should heed his words and work on my image a little. *lol*
The two of us had an interesting talk last night. We basically agreed to disagree, particularly in regards to the best way to deal with things. Pointless really. He'll always use harsh, caustic tones and I will always speak softly or at least politely, even when we want to say the same thing. It seems only right that the one thing that probably makes us such a good match should also drive us to occasional volatile moments. I could almost call it healthy... for us. I think both of us would agree that were our companionship perpetually sugary-sweet it would be... well, boring. No way would that last.
Differences of expression can be rather amusing. He is like the passionate, wildly outspoken rebel demanding his turn and calling for justice, while I am essentially a born diplomat, calmly observing and responding with courtly mien. Yet truth be told I am as strongly opinionated as Oneirus himself. I simply play my cards close to the vest. So close at times that even he doubts the very existence of my ferocity. Nothing I say can change that it seems, but... pshaw. No matter. ;)
It must be said that simply because I do not wear my darker emotions on my sleeve, it should never be assumed they do not exist. Indeed, one should remember that such suppression oft precludes a particularly powerful expression. While Oneirus is quick to ignite in a flurry of words and furious action, I am more apt to let my anger burn, slowly stoking and tending it. Only when it is time does anger erupt in rage.
There exists in this city a vampire I harbor such anger for. To cross the line that need never be crossed is to invite death. Death I hope to deliver personally. I have not spoken of it before nor will I speak of it again. All else that can be said is that I am far too weak now, but one day I will be strong enough. That day I will seek to settle this vendetta, stepping outside the walls of my clan to issue a challenge. I may die, but before I do my foe shall feel the burning fire of justice and wrath at my hands. For now I must pass them in the city streets and long for... crave their blood. Alas that today it is not that day.
